What a loaded topic. And probably the most personal blog post you’ll ever see here. But it seems relevant to a bunch of conversations I’ve had lately, so here we go.
A really wonderful person once suggested we trade emails about what we each wanted in a life/romantic partner. He sent his email. I stalled. We broke up.
I realized the problem wasn’t that I didn’t know; I was just afraid to own the fact that I did want and need certain things. Things that would automatically eliminate certain people for very valid reasons.
I was reminded of the list again tonight by another person, and I finally took the time to make that list, and here’s what I’ve learned.
First of all, I’m an impulsive person by nature. Although I’m cynical, I also tend to jump the gun on certain things. I’m also disastrous and terrible at picking out suitors. So my auntie, @nana278, will be vetting would-be dates from now on.
The List:
I want someone who understands what I do and loves it as much as I do.
I want someone who shames me with his/her intelligence.
I want someone without a serious mental illness. Schizophrenia, I have learned, does not a peaceful romance make.
I want someone who is old enough to have played all the games and had all the fun in the world and is ready to have a different kind of adventure.
I want someone with an amazing sense of humor, someone who takes almost nothing seriously.
I want a communicator, a lover of the truth, a shamelessly honest person who knows the facts are never enough – feelings have to be shared, too. And they count just as much.
I want someone who, like me, is quick to forgive and quick to sincerely apologize.
I want someone who will be proud of me in public and of whom I can also be proud.
I want someone who can travel with me, go to brunch on a Tuesday, be spontaneous with a “schedule,” and generally be open to possibilities when it comes to time management.
I want someone who can handle idiosyncratic behavior (e.g., I like foie gras and Burger King – so what?) without making a big deal out of it.
While we’re on that, I want someone who understands that most things are not, in fact, that big a deal.
I want someone who is rabidly passionate about music.
I want someone who can take care of his/her own needs but who doesn’t actually give a fuck about possessions.
I want someone who wants me and no one else. Part of wanting me is wanting commitment and maybe – just maybe – having a kid together someday.
I want someone who is independent as opposed to tied to a clique or group of friends, someone who can stand being alone or just with me a good deal of the time.
That being said, I also want someone who enjoys going out without getting all anxious and weird about it, someone who can dance with a smile on his or her face and spend a night out with friends without moping.
I want someone who is older (and wiser) than I am.
I want someone who thinks I’m beautiful and doesn’t mean my face or body.
Above all, I want someone who is kind, someone with a loving heart.
*One list item was removed for decency purposes. My dad reads this blog, dude! Dad, don’t click that link. Also, wow, I haven’t heard that song in a LONG time.
What I’ve learned in making this list is that of all the people I’ve dated, each one attracted me with specific and wonderful features. Unfortunately, each one also had a deal-breaking characteristic or two. From those deal-breakers, I’ve learned everything I ever needed to know about dating. You see them as red flags as you get more experienced, and you mercifully cut the potential date loose before anyone gets hurt.
Also, for each person, the points of attraction are going to be different. I’ve heard people say they never want to date in tech. For me, not being a techie is a deal-breaker, I’ve finally realized. I don’t have the patience to explain why social media is my job and defend my use of Twitter as work-related. That’s why I have my family.
Similarly, we all have different deal-breakers. Some people can’t handle a messy lover. Some people have bad experiences with exes or personal tics that make minor things unbearable. I personally am beginning to think that dating professional musicians is equivalent to signing up for the role of The Ground at a monster truck rally.
I encourage you to write and go public with your own personal list. Give the rest of us a break: Know what you want, and don’t hang around if you know a potential partner doesn’t have it. Be kind to yourself and others, even if you’re just dating for fun. And if that’s what you’re doing, let everyone else know, too.
Plus, the more people that post their own lists, the less I’ll look like a dumbass for posting mine. =) Link back in the comments, k? Love you guys!
Photo credit: Chris Saad
57 Comments
June 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Wow. Kudos for having the guts to post this. And +1 for the song choice on the top secret link.
June 22, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Yeah. I think I may have just overshared. =/
But it’s something we all talk about in the back channels. And I do kinda see this blog as my own personal back channel. Kinda like a CB thing, you know?
June 22, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Congrats for taking this on and going public with it. It takes guts! I have been contemplating doing something similar. So, I will put my “list” together and post it for others to see too.
You never know what may come from such a public declaration.
~Abel
June 23, 2009 at 12:07 am
Yup, I was thinking the same thing. =)
Good luck with your list, and here’s to transparency in love as in life.
June 23, 2009 at 12:04 am
Right on, pretty lady. I like your list. We should have lunch/coffee/drinks and kvetch.
I must say, I hate how much of dating has been learning what I don’t want. Argh. And I’m still copying your list… with minor edits
#smartgeekygirlsunite, or whatevs.
June 23, 2009 at 12:06 am
You know, I was just saying to someone tonight that early dating experiences tend to be more of “I don’t know what I want, but it isn’t *that*!”
=)
You’ll get around to it, sweet pea. You are an absolutely adorable creature, and I look forward to seeing your list, too!
June 23, 2009 at 12:07 am
I like you’re list
June 23, 2009 at 12:07 am
When I saw ur tweet on this post, I kinda expected such a list (don’t know why).
anyways, congrats… not so many people can find a courage to put down what they want/need in their partner.
however, frankly i’d say it’s pretty hard (not impossible) to find such a person who got all these qualities.
well, good luck
June 23, 2009 at 12:09 am
Thanks, I’ll need it!
And yes. It’s been hard looking for someone with these qualities, but honestly, it’s easier to look when you know what you want, imo.
Oddly enough, with the right person, I’m uncommonly easy to please.
June 23, 2009 at 7:50 am
a wiser man than i once said something along the lines of:
“Give me exactly what I want in everything, and a happier, more pleasant person you shall not find”
June 23, 2009 at 12:09 am
thats a very cool thing to do. i hope you find someone who has everything you want
June 23, 2009 at 12:13 am
I have to dig through my archives to find (and update) my similar posts – your point about someone who gets what we do is a key one, I’ve realized I’ve never really dated a fellow geek (though to be fair, I haven’t dated much so don’t have a lot of points of comparison – and my first serious girlfriend from college has now become quite a geek, more now than when we were dating)
Kudos for the list – dating is tricky – I hope to someday figure it out – haven’t yet…
Shannon
June 23, 2009 at 12:18 am
Dating sucks. I hope something comes along to make all the effort worthwhile.
In the meantime, keep truckin’! I know good things will come to you. =)
(hugs)
June 23, 2009 at 12:24 am
Good post. Takes guts to be honest sometimes. This world would be a better place if people had the nerve to actually say what they want to say. It sometimes gets me into trouble personally, but the truth isn’t always fun.
I just came across your blog today for the first time. I have found them interesting so far
My assistant saw me watching and said, “Wow, shes cute…” I replied with, “Yeah, and shes smart too…”
Have a great evening!
-Corrie
June 23, 2009 at 12:51 am
First, photos of your face after getting jumped (I still cringe thinking about it). Now, honest and no-doubt cathartic oversharing on relationships.
I think you may have more blogging courage than I, coworker. Hopefully I’ll pick some up via osmosis.
June 23, 2009 at 12:58 am
Bah, I’ve been oversharing on blogs since you were…
Well, realistically, since you were dreaming of middle school.
I still don’t get how this comes off as gusty, bally, or brave, though. The face pics were tough to post, but it was a quick way to shut up some back-channel chatter.
This, this is just something I’d probably say in front of just about anyone. Most people who have paid enough attention to me to be reading this know (or have an inkling) that my dating life has been disastrous. So, kind of like blogging about getting fired last year, it does more good than harm to let people know the truth.
June 23, 2009 at 1:26 am
I guess my generation is just used to the safety of oversharing via txt and Facebook.
June 23, 2009 at 3:44 am
Interesting, though I don’t think it requires courage to realise this (maybe to publish, but this isn’t too unique or too sensitively personal). But yes, an understanding of one’s own self is a healthy progress to reach this list.
There was one guy who would fit this, but, sadly, I am already married
. Jokes aside, its a real demanding list, unless you are willing to accept momentary variations from the requirements list (exceptions).
You can always raise a Change Request and modify your Solution (Partner) with the usual Maintenance Release or the next Major Upgrade/Release.
So, we have the Business Requirements ready. Do we have a Solution Design yet?
June 23, 2009 at 4:04 am
Wow. I must agree with the other readers that this must have taken a lot of guts to write, and even more to post.
However, I don’t think you “overshared.” In fact, if you truly “…want a communicator, a lover of the truth, a shamelessly honest person who knows the facts are never enough – feelings have to be shared, too. And they count just as much,” then you should be willing to be one yourself. It appears that you’ve knocked that criterion out of the park.
Also, you’d be crazy to want anything less. So why would you feel bad about saying so? Good luck.
June 23, 2009 at 4:17 am
Nice list of really good ideals…i’ll see what I can fdo to help you find that person…they have to be out there somewhere right ?
June 23, 2009 at 4:18 am
I love the list, really good ideals and I’ll see what I can do to help you find that person…they have to be out there somewhere right ?
Peace !
Ritesh
June 23, 2009 at 5:00 am
Jolie, firstly let me congratulate you on a wonderful post. I find most bloggers these days are just about self promotion and provide little insight into the social aspects of life – they rather talk to instead of talk with.
However, you are very different. Its refreshing to see what you post and to see someone so open and at ease with themselves.
You have drawn up a wonderous list of “wants” that I really hope you find in someone. Many of us I am sure have read this list and agreed with so much of what you are looking for in a partner. Maybe its not only opened you up to people but also made them realise the things they too would like in someone. Positive results all round
Although everyone has an ideal, remember sometimes people we find wont always be perfect (how we wish they were!!) but maybe just maybe we can find someone close enough to make us happy. I hope you find that in someone in the near future.
One good thing to come out of all those “dating experiences” is that you now have a more complete idea of what you want in someone as well as all the experiences adding up to make you the person you are today.
It must have been a great post as I never bother to reply to people generally – and look what you have encouraged me to do, write all this!! lol
June 23, 2009 at 6:37 am
You have put yourself on the right path this past year, Jolie. This is yet another increasingly courageous move you’ve made to take control of your life and guide it where you want it to go on your own terms.
You are on your way to the life you always wanted.
June 23, 2009 at 8:13 am
This has only a little to do with your post….except that the crazy romanticism in his lyrics will tie right in…..but I noticed you like Chris Merritt…great stuff. If you haven’t already, give Matt Nathanson a try. I think you’ll dig his tunes and his lyrics. Not only that, but he puts on one rad live show.
June 23, 2009 at 11:57 am
“For me, not being a techie is a deal-breaker, I’ve finally realized. I don’t have the patience…”
Oh gawd I feel your pain, in friends as well as romance. Hanging out with more geeks IRL is the best thing I’ve done this year.
June 23, 2009 at 7:31 pm
wait, so you’re not pregnant? I’m so confused.
June 23, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Not pregnant tonight, no.
June 23, 2009 at 10:30 pm
[...] What I Want in a Partner « Jolie O'Dell [...]
June 23, 2009 at 11:39 pm
[...] idea that having a list would make me not settle for less than who I was looking for. Today, I read What I Want in a Partner on Jolie Odell’s blog and she made a call for such lists. So I’m going to create a new [...]
June 23, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I found you through @eston a while ago and have been enjoying your tweets/blog/articles since then
Your list reminds me of my ex who always told me to make a list because it would help me stick to dating the kind of person I was looking for. Your post + that reminder inspired me to write my list.. So I did. Slightly embarrassed, but it’s posted now and we all know you can’t erase stuff off the interwebs
June 24, 2009 at 2:11 am
Go, if I was a few years older/lived in America
Your list is spot on really!
June 24, 2009 at 2:28 am
[...] By brntbeer So recently Jolie O’Dell posted a blog about what she wanted in a partner and I’ve read of one other person blogging [...]
June 24, 2009 at 2:42 am
Finally transcribed my post-its from last night.
http://brntbeer.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/my-list/
That list is so incomplete and I know it. Could always update it later I suppose. Much more heartfelt good things that I should add to it but there’s not much more and it’s late
June 24, 2009 at 5:09 am
Trust God. I did and now I have a wonderful wife. That doesn’t mean we don’t have problems. We do but we work them out together. Bobby Gee Check out my blog
http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/
June 24, 2009 at 8:02 am
I liked the text. Although I don’t see quite clearly how you are going to use it.
Sounds like the rules you are going to brake in the next date.
Anyway, best wishes.
June 24, 2009 at 9:34 am
Ballsy, gutsy list – and I think it’s awesome.
If I were to make a list (before I met my wife, of course), I would imagine it would be almost identical to yours.
But the truth is that my wife is absolutely nothing like me. She doesn’t share my passion for techy stuff. She doesn’t “get” my writing or understand why spend so much time jotting down ideas. She doesn’t understand what I do, or why I’m looking for a particular career path. We have a varying degree of difference in musical taste (however, that gap is closing on that one because some of the stuff she listens to is kinda catchy).
She is a teacher, a realist and a great person to be around.
I’m a creative dreamer and also a great person to be around.
On paper, we don’t fit together. But in reality, we’re soul mates and I couldn’t imagine spending my life without her. Our differences spark healthy debate. She’s great at bringing me down to earth, just as I’m good at encouraging her to see things as “not such a big deal”. We DO fit together, and compliment each other’s personality.
So, anyway – I applaud your bravery of putting this list out there. I think it’s awesome you took the time to narrow down and focus on the qualities you’re looking for in a mate. But don’t be surprised when someone who doesn’t understand the idiosyncrasies of foie grass and BK sweeps you off your feet when you least expect it. The list provides great guidelines, but don’t allow it to make you miss out on something unexpected and awesome.
June 24, 2009 at 10:58 am
There are points on here that are negotiable, absolutely. Some less than others. I think I’m actually very cautious of being swept off my feet at this point, and I’d almost prefer to have it all work out on paper. I don’t trust infatuation, because although it’s fun, it’s always left me empty-handed and broken-hearted in the past. Hence the list. Just trying to find the overlap between love and logic.
=/
Dating sucks.
June 24, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Indeed it’s truely personnal (but public now). And yep saying `sudo makemeasandwich` is only funny for a couple of people
My conclusion for, well I guess, 80% of men: http://xkcd.com/584/
Good luck
June 24, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Thanks. =)
xkcd is one of my favorite online comics ever. A Softer World is right up there, too.
June 24, 2009 at 2:00 pm
No problem but please don’t mix foie gras and Burger King in France because 1) we have no BK anymore 2) we ubberly prefer sandwiches 3) foie gras is top of the top
You excluded millions of people with one sentence :p Well done!
June 25, 2009 at 7:01 am
Wow! Bravo, this is an absolutely exquisite note and I’m in love with its honesty and passion. I’m passing this along to many friends who need to do the right thing and put together their own lists. This is the model so many need. Thanks for your honesty and brass!
Tim
June 25, 2009 at 11:14 am
I know that in internet terms, your list is a few days old, but this guy has got you beat. His list comes with a Table of Contents: http://www.findingmygoddess.com/
June 26, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Kudos for opening up, kiddo. I’ve been trying to tell you how cathartic it is. I love the list. And I know you’ll find everything you’re looking for. Maybe not while you’re in Toledo. Although I DO have my first stalker here, apparently. Maybe you could use one of those to tide you over. I’ll even let you borrow mine if you want.
June 28, 2009 at 5:21 am
Really great that you could come up with a list. Means you definitely know what you want and where you want to go. Many just can’t sort it out. Either they’ll come with the fantasy list to Santa or they’ll keep ponder about priorities.
Yet all of these points just make sense and seem natural to me. In any relationship, first, you’d want full integrity from your soulmate, the person should be able to dedicate his time to you, to share your passions and share unforgettable moments with you. For this, he needs to be independent and stand by himself.
I sincerely hope you’ll find the one person that will naturally come with all of these.
June 28, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I’ve noticed that lists such as these tend to grow shorter over time. Not because one’s standards, but because one starts to realize that many items on the list are aspects of something more basic and more profound.
You still have several superficial “taste-based” items (likes music, brunch), but you have some items that are pointing toward real personality traits (flexible schedule, funny), and temperament (no schizoids
.
One class of items I don’t see are the ones focused on you and your reaction. How should he make you feel? For example, “I want to feel good and safe around him” is a good item to add. Or “I want to feel inspired by his actions and words.” Being in touch with your own reactions is really, really handy.
June 28, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I didn’t click the forbidden link!
Again, you’ve generated a lot of ideas and good discussions with your post and maybe you’ve pricked a few emotions that people usually keep hidden.
As the “old man” who has weathered my share of relationships here is my advice: It’s not really about what you want, but what you’re willing to give. Of course you have to compatible with another person, but after that it just takes a lot of work to be really, really happy. I love you my daughter. Dad
August 20, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Your dad’s a smart dude. This list is great, and a lot of us aspire to meet someone with these qualities, but what I think is even more interesting is how many of those traits may exist within yourself.
A lot of people I know (myself included) have, at one time or another, made a list of exactly what we want in a partner, at a bare minimum. Many of them have found happiness with people who didn’t meet a lot of their criteria, but instead inspired them to give the things on their list.
If your post was entitled “What I’m willing to give to a partner worthy of my awesomeness,” what would that bring up for you? Would your list change? How would that affect how you go into your next relationship?
Just my $0.02. You’re awesome, keep up the good work, and be true to yourself and I have no doubt you’ll find someone that makes you all squicky inside and vice versa
July 20, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Damn, that’s an impressive list! Props to you for having the guts to publish it
Great posts on RWW also, keep up the awesome work!
August 4, 2009 at 12:04 pm
well done, well conceived, and “very” brave
have you considered writing on the topic of what we’re willing to do to get that person? how able we are to/to-not compromise? how we have to not only give, but sometimes let go to receive?
might make an interesting post. good luck!
August 12, 2009 at 9:24 am
A friend sent me a link to this post & I thought I’d drop a line or two.
For whatever reason when I read this post I thought of the movie amelie. If you haven’t seen it… watch it.
The list sounds a bit over the top but not outta reach. My fav’s are as follows:
“I want someone who understands what I do and loves it as much as I do.”
Nothing beats this, when someone just gets what your passion is, it’s really great. It makes things so much better. Sorta like when a singer writes a song that explains exactly how you felt about something at one point or another.
(e.g., I like foie gras and Burger King – so what?)
Yup, ha, ha, this goes for a lot of things!
“Above all, I want someone who is kind, someone with a loving heart.”
Good luck with that one, it just seems like a lot people can be loving to their friends and family but it stops there. I wish more people would extend that to strangers. Believe it or not, holding a door and saying thank you (and being sincere about it) to someone is a very simple way to do so.
anyway, blah, blah, blah.
take care.
and if you get a chance check this bob dylan poem out: last thoughts on woody guthrie.
oh and of course my blogs:
http://eatthisdammit.blogspot.com/
http://everydaylens.blogspot.com/
August 19, 2009 at 6:41 am
You’re my dreamgirl Jolie
. Too bad we don’t live on the same continent 
Great post, nonetheless… Any luck yet?
August 28, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Finally got back to your blog and have to say Big Kudos for knowing what you want and understanding that you know what you will and won’t deal with in a life partner.
As for being beautiful, you can’t hide from your physical self but from what I’ve seen from you here and elsewhere your inner beauty outshines your most admirable outer beauty and thus you are the complete package so to speak.
I truly hope you find that one that fills all those incomplete spaces in your live and who is strong enough to embrace all that is Jolie O’Dell.
IMO you are a rare and precious treasure.
FWIW
June 23, 2009 at 1:38 am
We had LiveJournal.
#BALLSDEEP!
June 23, 2009 at 2:05 am
LJ? Ewww….
June 23, 2009 at 2:55 pm
It was 1999. Whatever.
June 24, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Oh, I don’t eat them TOGETHER! That’d be so repulsive!
I do adore foie gras, but without good room service in the middle of the night… I gotta admit, Burger King hits some kind of perverse spot for me.
June 25, 2009 at 11:26 am
He he it’s fine
if you have the occasion, take it with a sought white wine like Jurançon. It’s fantastic. With onion jam and/or coarse salt it’s even better.
PS : the sorting of comments is quite odd isn’t it? I know it’s threaded but global replies don’t follow ante-chronological order.